Wit Quotes

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.

Patience, grasshopper," said Maia. "Good things come to those who wait."
"I always thought that was 'Good things come to those who do the wave,'" said Simon. "No wonder I've been so confused all my life.

City of Glass

Cassandra Clare

City of Glass
Maia    Patience    Simon    Wit

Don't let the muggles get you down.

So you're a Shadowhunter,' Nate said. 'De Quincey told me that you lot were monsters.'
'Was that before or after he tried to eat you?' Will inquired.

Clockwork Angel

Cassandra Clare

Clockwork Angel

I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.

Attention    Books    Humor    Mind    Wit

If they can get you asking the wrong questions, they don't have to worry about answers.

Gravity's Rainbow

Thomas Pynchon

Gravity's Rainbow
Answers    Paranoia    Proverbs    Questions    Wit

The covers of this book are too far apart.

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.

Humor    Wit

Clever as the Devil and twice as pretty.

Clever    Con    Devil    Lie    Sexy    Wit

There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil, a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome."
"And your defect is a propensity to hate everybody."
"And yours," he replied with a smile, "is wilfully to misunderstand them.

Character    Defects    Dislike    Education    Hatred    Misunderstanding    Propensity    Repartee    Retort    Wit

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

Anarchy    Classic    Murder    Wit

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

Food    Humor    Survival    Wit

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled by and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' SHOW. I totally shoulda took the road that had all those people on it. Damn.

Firefly    Humour    Irony    Show business    Wit

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.

She Stoops to Conquer

Oliver Goldsmith

She Stoops to Conquer
Ask    Humor    Lies    Questions    Sarcasm    Wit    Witty

Any woman who is sure of her own wits, is a match, at any time, for a man who is not sure of his own temper.

The Woman in White

Wilkie Collins

The Woman in White
Argument    Control    Dispute    Empowerment    Intelligence    Men    Self control    Superiority    Wit    Women

Tact: the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Definitions    Tact    Wit

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," Valkyrie said.
China glanced at her. "They've obviously never met me.

If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.


Mark Twain

Christ    Christian    Christianity    Humor    Wisdom    Wit

Now what happens?" asked the man in black.
"We face each other as God intended," Fezzik said. "No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone."
"You mean you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people, is that it?

The Princess Bride

William Goldman

The Princess Bride
Fight    Fistfight    Humor    Wit

There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.

Fan    Fanatic    Humor    Lines    Perspective    Stalking    Support    Wit

He drew a circle that shut me out-
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle and took him In!

Friend    Heretic    Love    Poem    Rebel    Wit

Why hasn't anyone killed him yet?
Dumb luck, Wit said. In that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.

Hoid    Humor    Luck    Wit

A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle.

I had such plans for this evening. The pursuit of blind drunkenness and wayward women was my goal. But alas, it was not to be. No sooner had I consumed my third drink in the Devil than I was accosted by a delightful small flower selling child who asked me for twopence for a daisy. The price seemed steep, so I refused. When I told the girl as much, she proceeded to rob me.
A little girl robbed you? Tessa said.
Actually, she wasn’t a little girl at all, as it turns out, but a midget in a dress with a penchant for violence, who goes by the name of Six-Fingered Nigel.

Clockwork Angel

Cassandra Clare

Clockwork Angel
Midgets    Will    Wit

There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words."
Interview, The Paris Review
, Summer 1956]

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.

Books    Humor    On writing    Wit    Writing

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

Humor    Wit

No sensible man ever engages, unprepared, in a fencing match of words with a woman.

The Woman in White

Wilkie Collins

The Woman in White
Argument    Dispute    Empowerment    Men    Superiority    Wit    Women

A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.

Ack!" I said.
Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that's me.

A poet should be so crafty with words that he is envied even for his pains.

Accidents    Adversity    Artist    Craftiness    Craftsmanship    Crafty    Creativity    Disaster    Envy    Hardships    Illness    Imperfections    Loneliness    Lyrics    Pain    Perspective    Poetry    Poets    Sadness    Suffering    Tragedy    Wit    Words

My country, right or wrong, is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, My mother, drunk or sober.

The Defendant

G.K. Chesterton

The Defendant

Do you like to slide?" His voice was eager.
Stair rails! Did he suspect me? I forced a sigh. "No, Majesty. I'm terrified of heights."
"Oh." His polite tone had returned.
"I wish I could enjoy it. This fear of heights is an affliction."
He nodded, a show of sympathy but not much interest. I was losing him.
"Especially," I added, "as I've grown taller.

Ella Enchanted

Gail Carson Levine

Ella Enchanted
Humor    Wit

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

English    Humor    Language    Pronunciation    Satire    Wit

You can't teach an old dogma new tricks.

The Algonquin Wits

Dorothy Parker or Irma Rombauer

The Algonquin Wits

And now, my poor old woman, why are you crying so bitterly? It is autumn. The leaves are falling from the trees like burning tears- the wind howls. Why must you mimic them?

Titus Groan

Mervyn Peake

Titus Groan
Autumn    Copy    Cry    Crying    Despair    Fall    Howl    Metaphor    Mimic    Poetic    Rain    Shakespearean    Simile    Wind    Wit

On some days you get what you want, and on others, you get what you need.

Humor    Wit

I have a different idea of elegance. I don't dress like a fop, it's true, but my moral grooming is impeccable. I never appear in public with a soiled conscience, a tarnished honor, threadbare scruples, or an insult that I haven't washed away. I'm always immaculately clean, adorned with independence and frankness. I may not cut a stylish figure, but I hold my soul erect. I wear my deeds as ribbons, my wit is sharper then the finest mustache, and when I walk among men I make truths ring like spurs.

Cyrano de Bergerac

Edmond Rostand

Cyrano de Bergerac
Conscience    Elegance    Honour    Morality    Wit

Yeah you can have a word," said Harry savagely. "Good-bye.

Humor    Sarcasm    Tell off    Wit

Two blind men waited at the end of an era, contemplating beauty.

Hoid    Wit

When you have wit of your own, it's a pleasure to credit other people for theirs.

I would rather be able to appreciate things I cannot have than to have things I am not able to appreciate.

Appreciation    Insight    Wealth    Wisdom    Wit

She was widely read enough to appreciate my literary wit but not so widely read that she knew my sources. I like that in a woman.

Cloud Atlas

David Mitchell

Cloud Atlas

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

Oscar    Sarcasm    Wilde    Wit

-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?
-Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.


Terry Pratchett


Let me be clear. Last I was aware you were neither my husband nor my father nor my King. Therefore, any control you may imagine you hold over me is just that- imaginary

The Season

Sarah MacLean

The Season
Alex    Humor    Sarah maclean    The season    Wit

Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.

College    Everybody    Humility    Incapable    Learning    Teaching    Wit

[On Oscar Wilde:]
"If, with the literate, I am
Impelled to try an epigram,
I never seek to take the credit;
We all assume that Oscar said it.
Magazine, June 2, 1927]

Credit    Epigrams    Humor    Oscar wilde    Tribute    Wit

Give the People what they want - and they'll get what they deserve.



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