Jokes Quotes


I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Funny    Humour    Jokes

What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
"Ask a glass of water!

Drunk    Humour    Jokes

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

In this story
I am the poet
You're the poetry.

Ah, Signor Halt,' he said uncertainly, 'you are making a joke, yes?'
'He is making a joke, no,' Will said. 'But he likes to think he is making a joke, yes.

Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man.

Attitude    Comedian    Comedy    Family    Fuck it    Funny    Honest    Honesty    Joke    Jokes    Life    Louie    Lucky louie    Quote    Stand up

Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.

Squire

Tamora Pierce (Author)

Squire
Humor    Jokes    Kel    Raoul

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Humor    Humour    Jokes

They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Our country is the best country in the world. We are swimming in prosperity and our President is the best president in the world. We have larger apples and better cotton and faster and more beautiful machines. This makes us the greatest country in the world. Unemployment is a myth. Dissatisfaction is a fable. In preparatory school America is beautiful. It is the gem of the ocean and it is too bad. It is bad because people believe it all. Because they become indifferent. Because they marry and reproduce and vote and they know nothing.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

God    Humor    Jokes    Religion

A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.

Sudelbücher.

Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Sudelbücher.

Tobin," Mom said disapprovingly. She wasn't a particularly funny person. It suited her professionally - I mean, you don't want your cancer surgeon to walk into the examination room and be like, "Guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'What'll ya have?' And the guy says, 'Whaddya got?' And the bartender says, 'I don't know what I got, but I know what you got: Stage IV melanoma.

Kissing the frog to get the prince is a waste of a perfectly good frog.

Fun    Jokes

Sarah Palin uses me as a laugh line in her stump speeches. If you're willing to turn me into a joke, you should also be willing to talk to me.

End of the Summer
It was end of the summer
And my heart was broken
but i was smiling, laughing, making jokes
Like there was nothing bleeding inside
As always.

Can anything be more disgusting than to hear people called 'educated' making small jokes about eating ham, and showing themselves empty of any real knowledge as to the relation of their own social and religious life to the history of the people they think themselves witty in insulting? [...] The best thing that can be said of it is, that it is a sign of the intellectual narrowness—in plain English, the stupidity which is still the average mark of our culture.

I don't really like jokes in a way. I mean gags are fine but I like weird moments where what you have isn't really a joke, just tiny moments.

teenagers are never joking. when seeking to prove a point, principals and teachers should remember that teenagers are never, ever sarcasic or ironic. if they say "I wish someone would drop a bomb on this school right now," that means they have arranged for a nuclear arsenal to be emptied onto the school and should be immediately suspended and ridiculed. if they say they were merely coming up with a joking excuse to postpone a bio test, reply that all jokes are funny, and that since dropping a bomb on a school is not funny, it is therefore
not
a
joke.

Funny    Irony    Jokes    Sarcasm    Teenagers    Teens

Okay, that one's pretty good," Fred acknowledged, after she'd told him a particularly filthy joke. "But have you heard the one about the baker's wife?"
"No," Kyra said.
"Rumor has it, she married him for his buns." Fred burst out laughing.
Kyra groaned. "Okay, that was just bad.

Fred    Humor    Jokes    Kyra    Poison    Romance

I wrote. I wrote all the things I couldn’t say to him. I wrote about how much I believed in us. I wrote about how much I trusted God. I wrote that I was praying for him. I wrote down all the jokes I could remember, which weren’t many.

God    Heartbroken    Jokes    Journal    Journaling    Writer    Writing

What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning-- and a child's more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.

Children    Funny    Jokes    Meaning    Trying

The denizens of Feyland find the absence of magic to be quite funny. I mean no offense.
None taken.
For example – In the Land Over the Crystal River (for that's how we refer to humans), there was once a man and a woman. And the man was in love with the woman, and wanted her for himself. But because he had no magic, he couldn't feel whether or not there was a pull towards her or not, so he didn't know whether she loved him or not. So what did he do?
What?
He had to ASK her! Kian couldn't help laughing.
I don't get it!
Ask her! said Kian. It's funny – because he didn't have magic. His laughter grew louder and less controlled, tinkling like bells in the winter snow. He had to ask her!
I realized that there were some cultural barriers Kian and I might never transcend.

Breena    Jokes    Kian    Love    Magic

Where do you come up with these zingers, Clint? Do you own some kind of joke factory in Indonesia where you've got eight-year-olds working ninety hours a week to deliver you that kind of top-quality witticism? There are boy bands with more original material.

It sometimes seemed to him that for love to work, it had to be fair, that he should tell only half the joke, and she the other half. Otherwise, it would not be love, but something completely else–pity or entertainment, or stand-up comedy.

Bed

Tao Lin

Bed

Nothing is a joke with me. It just all comes out like one.

Like Life

Lorrie Moore

Like Life
Comedians    Jokes    Life

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man? Because it stays up, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on!

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

I am a joke told
again.

[...] Mom’s not keeping me out because it’s a dead friend, she’s keeping me out because it’s a dead sixteen-year-old girl with no clothes on’
‘And that’s officially the creepiest thing you’ve ever said,’ said Lauren. She stopped typing, and then grimaced and shivered, like she’d just eaten something disgusting. ‘Seriously – yuck.’
I smiled. ‘I’ve got a live girlfriend – what do I need a dead one for?’
[…]
Lauren folded her arms. ‘How do I know you’re not just trying to get her out of the house for your own nefarious purposes?’
I smiled. ‘What kind of trouble am I going to get into? The dead girl doesn’t get here until tomorrow.

Dead body    John    Jokes    Necrophilia    Sister

...the primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.

All Things Considered

G.K. Chesterton

All Things Considered

That's very...
big
of you.

Cinder    Iko    Jokes    Scarlet

Joke exchanges are carried on in deadly earnest, like a verbal duel-mouth-to-mouth combat. Bang, bang: you’re (linguistically) dead.

If you are reading this then you have wasted another day of your life day dreaming, rather than planning the life God intended you to live.

Funny    Goals    Happiness    Humor    Inspirational quotes    Internet    Jokes    Joy    Laughter    Life    Life missions    Life purpose    Love    Planning    Quotes    Stalkers    Staying positive    Take action    Wasting time

I wonder Pa went so easy. I wonder Grampa didn' kill nobody. Nobody never tol' Grampa where to put his feet. An' Ma ain't nobody you can push aroun' neither. I seen her beat the hell out of a tin peddler with a live chicken one time 'cause he give her a argument. She had the chicken in one han', an' the ax in the other, about to cut its head off. She aimed to go for that peddler with the ax, but she forgot which hand was which, an' she takes after him with the chicken. Couldn' even eat that chicken when she got done. They wasn't nothing but a pair of legs in her han'. Grampa throwed his hip outa joint laughin'.

I wonder Pa went so easy. I wonder Grampa didn' kill nobody. Nobody never tol' Grampa where to put his feet. An' Ma ain't nobody you can push aroun' neither. I seen her beat the hell out of a tin peddler with a live chicken one time 'cause he give her a argument. She had the chicken in one han', an' the ax in the other, about to cut its head off. She aimed to go for that peddler with the ax, but she forgot which hand was which, an' she takes after him with the chicken. Couldn' even eat that chicken when she got done. They wasn't nothing but a pair of legs in her han'. Grampa throwed his hip outa joint laughin'.

Breyona didn’t have to force a laugh. Fellowship? Who do you think you are? Freedo the hobbit?
It’s Frodo, he said over his shoulder. And if I was a character from L.O.T.R., I’d obviously by Strider. Shaking his head, he continued down the trail, mumbling obscenities.
What is L.O.T.R.? Shiv asked. Who is this Freedo?
Both questions brought exasperated sighs from Bronson. It stands for Lord of the Rings. Don’t you ever see any movies?
Weren’t they books before they were movies? Em asked.
They wrote them after, Bronson said.
Breyona winked at Danny. That Freedo was hot, she said loud enough for Bronson to hear. Even with those dumb-ass furry feet, he’s my kind of cute.
Bronson threw his hands up. Frodo. It’s Frodo. And he’s not hot!

Jokes    Lotr    Teens

Casy said, "Ol' Tom's house can't be more'n a mile from here. Ain't she over that third rise?"
Sure," said Joad. "Less somebody stole it, like Pa stole it."
Your pa stole it?"
Sure, got it a mile an' a half east of here an' drug it. Was a family livin' there, an' they moved away. Grampa an' Pa an' my brother Noah like to took the whole house, but she wouldn't come. They only got part of her. That's why she looks so funny on one end. They cut her in two an' drug her over with twelve head of horses and two mules. They was goin' back for the other half an' stick her together again, but before they got there Wink Manley come with his boys and stole the other half. Pa an' Grampa was pretty sore, but a little later them an' Wink got drunk together an' laughed their heads off about it. Wink, he says his house is a stud, an' if we'll bring our'n over an' breed 'em we'll maybe get a litter of crap houses. Wink was a great ol' fella when he was drunk. After that him an' Pa an' Grampa was friends. Got drunk together ever' chance they got.

Depression    House    Jokes    Theft

I will cut taxes - cut taxes - for 95 percent of all working families, because, in an economy like this, the last thing we should do is raise taxes on the middle class.

Fella says today, 'Depression is over. I seen a jackrabbit, an' they wasn't nobody after him.' An' another fella says, 'That aint the reason. Can't afford to kill jackrabbits no more. Catch 'em and milk 'em an' turn 'em loose. One you seen prob'ly gone dry.

Fella says today, 'Depression is over. I seen a jackrabbit, an' they wasn't nobody after him.' An' another fella says, 'That aint the reason. Can't afford to kill jackrabbits no more. Catch 'em and milk 'em an' turn 'em loose. One you seen prob'ly gone dry.

Casy said, "Ol' Tom's house can't be more'n a mile from here. Ain't she over that third rise?"

Sure," said Joad. "Less somebody stole it, like Pa stole it."

Your pa stole it?"

Sure, got it a mile an' a half east of here an' drug it. Was a family livin' there, an' they moved away. Grampa an' Pa an' my brother Noah like to took the whole house, but she wouldn't come. They only got part of her. That's why she looks so funny on one end. They cut her in two an' drug her over with twelve head of horses and two mules. They was goin' back for the other half an' stick her together again, but before they got there Wink Manley come with his boys and stole the other half. Pa an' Grampa was pretty sore, but a little later them an' Wink got drunk together an' laughed their heads off about it. Wink, he says his house is a stud, an' if we'll bring our'n over an' breed 'em we'll maybe get a litter of crap houses. Wink was a great ol' fella when he was drunk. After that him an' Pa an' Grampa was friends. Got drunk together ever' chance they got.

Depression    House    Jokes    Theft

Sooner or later, all talk among foreigners in Pyongyang turns to one imponderable subject. Do the locals really believe what they are told, and do they truly revere Fat Man and Little Boy? I have been a visiting writer in several authoritarian and totalitarian states, and usually the question answers itself. Someone in a café makes an offhand remark. A piece of ironic graffiti is scrawled in the men's room. Some group at the university issues some improvised leaflet. The glacier begins to melt; a joke makes the rounds and the apparently immovable regime suddenly looks vulnerable and absurd. But it's almost impossible to convey the extent to which North Korea just isn't like that. South Koreans who met with long-lost family members after the June rapprochement were thunderstruck at the way their shabby and thin northern relatives extolled Fat Man and Little Boy. Of course, they had been handpicked, but they stuck to their line.
There's a possible reason for the existence of this level of denial, which is backed up by an indescribable degree of surveillance and indoctrination. A North Korean citizen who decided that it was all a lie and a waste would have to face the fact that his life had been a lie and a waste also. The scenes of hysterical grief when Fat Man died were not all feigned; there might be a collective nervous breakdown if it was suddenly announced that the Great Leader had been a verbose and arrogant fraud. Picture, if you will, the abrupt deprogramming of more than 20 million Moonies or Jonestowners, who are suddenly informed that it was all a cruel joke and there's no longer anybody to tell them what to do. There wouldn't be enough Kool-Aid to go round. I often wondered how my guides kept straight faces. The streetlights are turned out all over Pyongyang—which is the most favored city in the country—every night. And the most prominent building on the skyline, in a town committed to hysterical architectural excess, is the Ryugyong Hotel. It's 105 floors high, and from a distance looks like a grotesquely enlarged version of the Transamerica Pyramid in San Francisco (or like a vast and cumbersome missile on a launchpad). The crane at its summit hasn't moved in years; it's a grandiose and incomplete ruin in the making. 'Under construction,' say the guides without a trace of irony. I suppose they just keep two sets of mental books and live with the contradiction for now.

If they were the jokes, I was the punch line.

Q: What do Jesus and Nicole Brown Simpson have in common? A: They were both killed by the Joooooooose.

Hey, dragon!" Jay said loudly. The dragon opened one eye. "How can you tell if you have a dragon in your bathroom? The door won't close! How long was the dragons vacation? Four days and three knights! How about this one? Three ninja and a dragon walk into a dojo, and--"
The Lightning Dragon swiped it's
massive tail
, knocking Jay off his feet.
"That's the worst thing about dragons," muttered Jay, standing back up. "They don't know good jokes when they hear them.

Dragon    Greg farshtey    Jay    Jokes    Lightning

People usually told him the same joke two or three times.

Katsa, only you would consider the collapse of the ceiling a good joke.

Graceling

Kristen Cashore

Graceling
Badass    Humor    Jokes

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