Joke Quotes


Investigation?" Isabelle laughed. "Now we're detectives? Maybe we should all have code names."
"Good idea," said Jace. "I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.

City of Bones

Cassandra Clare

City of Bones

I was smiling yesterday,I am smiling today and I will smile tomorrow.Simply because life is too short to cry for anything.

Quote Me Everyday

Santosh Kalwar

Quote Me Everyday
Cry    Inspirational    Joke    Love    Romance    Smile

Don't stop there. I suppose there are also, what, vampires and werewolves and zombies?"
"Of course there are. Although you mostly find zombies farther south, where the voudun priests are."
"What about mummies? Do they only hang around Egypt?"
"Don't be ridiculous. No one believes in mummies.

City of Bones

Cassandra Clare

City of Bones
Clary fray    Jace wayland    Joke    Mummies    Sarcasm    Vampire    Werewolf    Zombies

One can never have enough socks," said Dumbledore. "Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn't get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.

Chapterhouse: Dune

J.K. Rowling

Chapterhouse: Dune
Books    Christmas    Deathly hallows    Desire    Family    Joke    Socks

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

The Last Olympian

Rick Riordan

The Last Olympian
Enjoy    Humor    Joke    Prank

Is this Clarissa Fray?" The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable.
Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. "Yeees?"
"Hi, I'm one of the knife-carrying hooligans you met last night in Pandemonium? I"m afraid I made a bad impression and was hoping you'd give me a chance to make it up to-"
"SIMON!" Clary held the phone away from her ear as he cracked up laughing. "That is so not funny!"
"Sure it is. You just don't see the humor."
"Jerk." Clary sighed, leaning up against the wall.

City of Bones

Cassandra Clare

City of Bones
Clary fray    Humor    Joke    Phone    Simon lewis    Tease

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

Dark    Humour    Joke    Perspective    Stories    Writing

And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke...

Gryfindor    Humor    Joke

In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.

O Lobo da Estepe

Hermann Hesse

O Lobo da Estepe

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

Minority Report

H.L. Mencken

Minority Report
Funny    Humor    Joke    Kids    Respect    Smart    Wife

Honey, no offense, but sometimes I think I could shoot you and watch you kick.

Honey    Intimacy    Joke    Kick    Love    Offense    Shoot    Sweet    Violence

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

Games    Humor    Influence    Joke    Video games

Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man.

Attitude    Comedian    Comedy    Family    Fuck it    Funny    Honest    Honesty    Joke    Jokes    Life    Louie    Lucky louie    Quote    Stand up

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

Black cat    Blind    Cat    Funny    Humor    Joke    Lie    Lies    Looking    Man    Metaphysics    Misattributed h l mencken    Philosopher    Philosophy    Religion    Search    Theologian    Theology    Untruth    Untruthful    Wishful thinking

Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding.

Getting some redecorating ideas?’ Nico asked. ‘Maybe you could do your dining room in mediaeval monk skulls.’
Hades arched an eyebrow. ‘I can never tell when you’re joking.

CUSTOMER: I’m always on night shift at work.
BOOKSELLER (jokingly): Is that why you’re buying so many vampire novels?
CUSTOMER (seriously): You can never be too prepared.

Customers    Joke    Vampires    Wierd

I told Ersken, "Lately it's been like living on the knife's edge, never knowing which side I'll fall off on"
Ersken clapped me on the shoulder as we stepped into the street. "Cheer up, Beka. Maybe you were going to fall off that razor's edge before, but not today," he said, as good humored as always. "Today we're doing to jump.

But—let me tell you my cat joke. It's very short and simple. A hostess is giving a dinner party and she's got a lovely five-pound T-bone steak sitting on the sideboard in the kitchen waiting to be cooked while she chats with the guests in the living room—has a few drinks and whatnot. But then she excuses herself to go into the kitchen to cook the steak—and it's gone. And there's the family cat, in the corner, sedately washing it's face."
"The cat got the steak," Barney said.
"Did it? The guests are called in; they argue about it. The steak is gone, all five pounds of it; there sits the cat, looking well-fed and cheerful. "Weigh the cat," someone says. They've had a few drinks; it looks like a good idea. So they go into the bathroom and weigh the cat on the scales. It reads exactly five pounds. They all perceive this reading and a guest says, "okay, that's it. There's the steak." They're satisfied that they know what happened, now; they've got empirical proof. Then a qualm comes to one of them and he says, puzzled, "But where's the cat?

Cat    Joke    Ontology

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.' 'Oh really, that's interesting: one didn't think there was a class system in the United States.' 'Nobody does. That's how it survives.

When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.
I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?

Cheerleading    Funny    Joke    Kate

For the advice in a joke is sometimes more useful than the most serious teaching.

Advice    Joke    Teaching

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge.

Barrel Fever

David Sedaris

Barrel Fever
Funny    Humor    Joke    Vindictive

It's unpleasantly like being drunk."
"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
"You ask a glass of water.

Joke    Puns    Water

I myself am convinced that the theory of evolution, especially to the extent to which it has been applied, will be one of the greatest jokes in the history books of the future. Posterity will marvel that so very flimsy and dubious an hypothesis could be accepted with the incredible credulity it has.

Jack didn’t fully get Jesus. Audrey tried to explain it, and he could repeat it back to her, word for word, but he still didn’t comprehend most of it. The best he could gather was that Jesus lived long ago, told people to be nice, and they killed him for it. At the end, he asked who was Jesus’ necromancer and if he was in the Bible, then Kaldar couldn’t stop laughing and had to sit down.

Your... Your aura. It's... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'
I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex?

Last Sacrifice

Richelle Mead

Last Sacrifice
Adrian    Dirty    Funny    Hathaway    Humor    Ivashkov    Joke    Lol    Rose

Oh, no-" They weren't even on the runway, and Jonah's father was already immersed in his BlackBerry. "Remember those 'Live Large with the Wiz Generation' posters? Well, guess how that translates into Chinese- 'Jonah Wizard Makes Your Ancestors Fat'.

Thanks. Seriously, you must have better things to do with your life than waste it on the hopeless?'
'I've already learned Parseltongue. What else is there?'
'Elvish.

Cute    Elvish    Fandom    Flirting    Funny    Geeks    Harry potter    Help    Hobbit    Hopeless    Humerous    Jamie    Joke    Languages    Learning    Life    Mara dyer    Nerds    Parseltongue    Seriously    Sweet    The lord of the rings    Waste

Then the high king carefully turned the golden screw. Once: Nothing. Twice: Nothing. Then he turned it the third time, and the boy’s ass fell off.

The Wise Man's Fear

Patrick Rothfuss

The Wise Man's Fear
Ass    Humor    Joke

You'll have to excuse Zo's manners. She was raised by a group of indigenous swamp wallabies and is at times uncomfortable conversing with civilized humans."
"Look, it's like this-" Zo started to say, but then she interrupted herself. "Swamp wallabies?

Tattoo

Jennifer Lynn Barnes

Tattoo
Humor    Joke    Tattoo

So proper for a circus girl," Mme. Padva says with with a gleam in her eye. "We shall have to loosen those corset laces if we intend to keep you an intimate dinner company."
"I expected the corset unlacing would take place after dinner," Celia says mildly, earning a chorus of laughter.
"We shall keep Miss Bowen as intimate company regardless of the state of her corset," Chandresh says. "Make a note of that," he adds, waving a hand at Marco.
"Miss Bowen's corset is duly noted, sir," Marco replies, and the laghter bubbles over the table again.

The Night Circus

Erin Morgenstern

The Night Circus
Corset    Inuendo    Joke

This wise old whiskery fish swims up to three young fish and goes, 'Morning, boys, how's the water?' and swims away; and the three young fish watch him swim away and look at each other and go, 'What the fuck is water?' and swim away.

Infinite Jest

David Foster Wallace

Infinite Jest
Fish    Joke

Happiness is a big joke; let us laugh at it loud.

Happiness    Joke    Laugh

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

Anatomy    Dissection    Funny    Humor    Joke    Man    Marriage    Study    Woman

The signs of excessive indulgence in this destructive pastime are easily detectable. They are these: A disposition to eat, to drink, to smoke, to meet together convivially, to laugh, to joke, and tell indelicate stories— and mainly, a yearning to paint pictures.

Fun    Funny    Joke    Laugh    Mark twain    Masturbation    Smoke

I never stopped joking around long enough to realize you weren't laughing anymore.

Joke    Laugh

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.

The art world is the biggest joke going. It’s a rest home for the overprivileged, the pretentious, and the weak.

Art    Banksy    Joke    Privilege

When a joker dies, the joke remains.

Death    Joke    Joker

An Irishman walks into a pub, she begins and the bar went silent. The bartender asks him, ‘What'll you have?’ Her Irish accent was spot on. The man says, ‘Give me three pints of Guinness, please.’ The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, ‘Sir, no need to order as many at a time. I’ll keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh one.’ The man replies, ‘You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, me brothers have three Guinness stouts too, and we're drinking together.’
The bartender thought this a wonderful tradition and every week the man came in and ordered three beers. January’s playing and voice became more solemn, dramatic. But one week, he ordered only two. The crowd oohed and ahhed. He slowly drank them, she continued darkly, and then ordered two more. The bartender looked at him sadly. ‘Sir, I know your tradition, and, agh, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry for your loss.’
The man looked on him strangely before it finally dawned on him. ‘Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.

I don’t like seeing you hit.
Well, to be quite honest, I don’t like being hit unless it’s by you. As soon as it was out of my mouth, I realized what I had said. That sounded all sorts of wrong.
Insanely so, actually.
To be clear, I said to any overhearing ears, I hit him back--
Hard.
It’s a very give-and-take, non-abuse type hitting situation…
The sides of Liam’s mouth folded up like an accordion. You should probably stop now.
I’m trying. My mouth keeps moving of its own accord.

Funny    Hitting    Joke    Love    Lovers    Relationship    Wrong

If life is a joke, let us play it.

Joke    Life

Don't let your teeth make you lose respect by permanently keeping them opened for the sake of being friendly.

Affability    Amiability    Amicable    Amusement    Communication    Dishonour    Excessive    Extrovert    Friend    Friendly    Friends    Frown    Funny    Hahaha    Humor    Insult    Insults    Jester    Joke    Laughter    Lively    Mirth    Mouth    Respect    Shut up    Smile    Smiles    Smiling    Social    Socializing    Stupidity    Talkative    Teeth

Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay in a dormant state. Every time you hear or read a new trick or a new result, test it against each of your twelve problems to see whether it helps. Every once in a while there will be a hit, and people will say, 'How did he do it? He must be a genius!

The apex of mathematical achievement occurs when two or more fields which were thought to be entirely unrelated turn out to be closely intertwined. Mathematicians have never decided whether they should feel excited or upset by such events.

Achievement    Apex    Excitement    Funny    Humor    Joke    Math    Mathematical    Mathematicians    Mathematics    Science    Upset

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's.

Fart    Funny    Humour    Joke    Pity    Sad    Sadness

I don’t even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell.

Arguments    Communication    Communicator    Confidence    Debating    Funny    God    Heaven    Hell    Humor    Inspirational writer    Joke    Knowing    Philosophers    Sarcastic    Sassy    Satire    Thinker    Writer

Viktor was swinging a leather duffle and wearing a black Adidas tracksuit and his favorite brown UGG slippers with a hole in the toe.
"Worn and old, just like Viv," he'd say when Frankie made fun of them, and then his wife would swat him on the arm. But Frankie knew he was just joking, because Viveka was the type of woman you wished was in a magazine just so you could stare at her violet-colored eyes and shiny black hair without being called a stalker or a freak.

Admiration    Beauty    Clothing    Daughter    Husband    Joke    Love    Old favorites    Teasing    Wife

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live...

Barrel Fever

David Sedaris

Barrel Fever
Cleaning    Funny    Humor    Joke

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