Humour Quotes


I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

Deadlines    Humor    Humour    Work    Writing

Do you hate people?
I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around.

Barfly

Charles Bukowski

Barfly

Do you hate people?”

“I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around.

For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons.

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

Mockingjay

Suzanne Collins

Mockingjay
Boggs    Finnick    Funny    Humour    Hunger games    Katniss    Mockingjay    Odair    Suzanne collins    Witty

Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.

I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room.

Finnick?" I say, "Maybe some pants?"
He looks down at his legs as if noticing his outfit for the first time. Then he whips off his hospital gown leaving him in just his underwear. "Why? Do you find this" -- he strikes a ridiculously provocative pose -- "distracting?"
I laugh. Boggs looks embarrassed and Finnick looks more like the guy I met at the Quarter Quell

Mockingjay

Suzanne Collins

Mockingjay

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.

When I was your age, television was called books.

The Princess Bride

William Goldman

The Princess Bride
Book    Fantasy    Humour

Headline?" he asked.
"'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said.
"'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said.
"'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Beatnik    Cynical    Funny    Humour

If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.

I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?

Fighting    Funny    Humour    Husband    Inspirational    Love    Lover    Relationships    Romance    Spiritual    Sweet    Wife

Hello, Harry" said George, beaming at him. "We thought we heard your dulcet tones."
"You don't want to bottle up your anger like that, Harry, let it all out," said Fred, also beaming. "There might be a couple of people fifty miles away who didn't hear you.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Humor    Humour    Paradox

So you're a Shadowhunter,' Nate said. 'De Quincey told me that you lot were monsters.'
'Was that before or after he tried to eat you?' Will inquired.

Clockwork Angel

Cassandra Clare

Clockwork Angel

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

God    Humour    Life

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Crime    Funny    Humour

Vhat ozzer abilities do you haf?" ter Borcht snapped, which his assistant waited, pen in hand.
Gazzy thought. "I have X-ray vision," he said. He peered at ter Borcht's chest, then blinked and looked alarmed.
Ter Borcht was startled for a second, but then he frowned. "Don't write dat down," he told his assistant in irritation. The assistant froze in midsentence.
"You. Do you haf any qualities dat distinguish you in any way?"
Nudge chewed on a fingernail. "You mean, like, besides the WINGS?" She shook her shoulders gently, and her beautiful fawn-colored wings unfolded a bit.
His face flushed, and I felt like cheering. "Yes," he said stiffly. "Besides de vings."
"Hmm. Besides de vings." Nudge tapped one finger against her chin. "Um..." Her face brightened. "I once ate nine Snickers bars in one sitting. Without barfing. That was a record!"
"Hardly a special talent," ter Borcht said witheringly.
Nudge was offended. "Yeah? Let's see YOU do it."
...
"I vill now eat nine Snickers bars," Gazzy said in a perfect, creepy imitation of ter Borcht's voice, "visout bahfing."
Iggy rubbed his forehead with one hand. "Well, I have a highly developed sense of irony."
Ter Borcht tsked. "You are a liability to your group. I assume you alvays hold on to someone's shirt, yes? Following dem closely?"
"Only when I'm trying to steal their dessert"
...Fang pretended to think, gazing up at the ceiling. "Besides my fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica."
"I vill now destroy de Snickuhs bahrs!" Gazzy barked.

Humour    James patterson    Lol    Maximum    Ride    Snickers

Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait.

Desire    Funny    Honesty    Humor    Humour    Love    Lust    Passion    Relationships    Romance    Sex    Truth    Wisdom    Young    Young adult    Young adults    Youth

When you're drowning you don't think,
I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.
You just scream.

It struck me as pretty ridiculous to be called Mr. Darcy and to stand on your own looking snooty at a party. It's like being called Heathcliff and insisting on spending the entire evening in the garden, shouting "Cathy" and banging your head against a tree.

Bridget Jones's Diary

Helen Fielding

Bridget Jones's Diary

Just because you said dragon demons were extinct—"
"I said mostly extinct."
Alec jabbed a finger toward him.
"Mostly extinct," he said, his voice trembling with rage, "is NOT
EXTINCT ENOUGH."
"I see," said Jace. "I'll just have them change the entry in the demonology textbook from 'almost extinct' to 'not extinct enough for Alec. He prefers his monsters really, really extinct.' Will that make you happy?

City of Ashes

Cassandra Clare

City of Ashes

Short cuts make long delays.

The human body is the best work of art.

Art    Beauty    Body    Body image    Dancer    Desire    Fashion    Fitness    Food for thought    Funny    Girl    Hip hop    Honesty    Humor    Humour    Lust    Lust for life    Passion    Young    Young adult    Young adults    Youth

No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

You're not very nice," I say, grinning.
"You're one to talk."
"Hey, I could be nice if I tried."
"Hmm." He taps his chin. "Say something nice, then."
"You're very good-looking."
He smiles, his teeth a flash in this dark. "I like this 'nice' thing.

If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards!

The Color of Magic

Terry Pratchett

The Color of Magic
Gods    Humour    Religion    Stupidity

the only way Bex would miss this would be if she were unconscious. And tied up. And in a concrete bunker. In Siberia.

I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!

Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay.

Asscrown," I muttered under my breath as I headed to my next class. I wasn't proud of swearing at a complete stranger, no. but he started it.
Noah matched my pace. "Don't you mean 'assclown'?" He looked amused.
"No," I said, louder this time. "I mean asscrown. The crown on top of the asshat that covers the asshole of the assclown. The very zenith in the hierarchy of asses," I said, as though I was reading from a dictionary of modern profanity.
"I guess you nailed me then.

I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.

We need to reclaim the word 'feminism'. We need the word 'feminism' back real bad. When statistics come in saying that only 29% of American women would describe themselves as feminist - and only 42% of British women - I used to think, What do you think feminism IS, ladies? What part of 'liberation for women' is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? 'Vogue' by Madonna? Jeans? Did all that good shit GET ON YOUR NERVES? Or were you just DRUNK AT THE TIME OF THE SURVEY?

How to Be a Woman

Caitlin Moran

How to Be a Woman

There's a time and place for everything, and I believe it’s called 'fan fiction'.

A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

Beauty    Body    Body image    Culture    Dance    Dancer    Desire    Fashion    Fitness    Food    Food for thought    Friendship    Funny    Girl    Health    Healthy    Hip hop    Honesty    Humor    Humour    Imagination    Individuality    Life    Love    Lust for life    Music    Novel    Passion    Reality    Relationships    Self    Sex    Truth    Wisdom    Young    Young adult    Young adult fiction    Young adult literature    Young adult novels    Young adults    Youth

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
- T-shirt

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