Quotes [838982]

Humour Quotes

Best Humour Short Quote
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

Adams Douglas


Best Humour Short Quote
Do you hate people?
I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around.

Charles Bukowski , Barfly


Best Humour Short Quote
Do you hate people?”

“I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around.

Charles Bukowski


For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons.

Adams Douglas , The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy


Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

Suzzane Collins , Mockingjay


Best Humour Short Quote
Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.

Charles Bukowski


I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room.

Ray Douglas Bradbury , Zen in the Art of Writing: Essays on Creativity


Finnick?" I say, "Maybe some pants?"
He looks down at his legs as if noticing his outfit for the first time. Then he whips off his hospital gown leaving him in just his underwear. "Why? Do you find this" -- he strikes a ridiculously provocative pose -- "distracting?"
I laugh. Boggs looks embarrassed and Finnick looks more like the guy I met at the Quarter Quell

Suzzane Collins , Mockingjay


Best Humour Short Quote
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Rodney Dangerfield


A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Irina Dunn


Best Humour Short Quote
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Robert Orben


Best Humour Short Quote
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

Adams Douglas , The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy


Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.

Oscar Wilde


Best Humour Short Quote
When I was your age, television was called books.

William Goldman , The Princess Bride


Headline?" he asked.
"'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said.
"'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said.
"'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.

John Green , The Fault in Our Stars


If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Lawrence Ferlinghetti


If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them.

Johnny Depp


I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?

Stephanie Lennox


Hello, Harry" said George, beaming at him. "We thought we heard your dulcet tones."
"You don't want to bottle up your anger like that, Harry, let it all out," said Fred, also beaming. "There might be a couple of people fifty miles away who didn't hear you.

J.K Rowling , Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix


If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

George Carlin


So you're a Shadowhunter,' Nate said. 'De Quincey told me that you lot were monsters.'
'Was that before or after he tried to eat you?' Will inquired.

Cassandra Clare , Clockwork Angel


Best Humour Short Quote
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield


To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

Oscar Wilde


It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.

Douglas Adams


Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.

Stephen Hawking


If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Woody Allen


Best Humour Short Quote
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Rodney Dangerfield


Vhat ozzer abilities do you haf?" ter Borcht snapped, which his assistant waited, pen in hand.
Gazzy thought. "I have X-ray vision," he said. He peered at ter Borcht's chest, then blinked and looked alarmed.
Ter Borcht was startled for a second, but then he frowned. "Don't write dat down," he told his assistant in irritation. The assistant froze in midsentence.
"You. Do you haf any qualities dat distinguish you in any way?"
Nudge chewed on a fingernail. "You mean, like, besides the WINGS?" She shook her shoulders gently, and her beautiful fawn-colored wings unfolded a bit.
His face flushed, and I felt like cheering. "Yes," he said stiffly. "Besides de vings."
"Hmm. Besides de vings." Nudge tapped one finger against her chin. "Um..." Her face brightened. "I once ate nine Snickers bars in one sitting. Without barfing. That was a record!"
"Hardly a special talent," ter Borcht said witheringly.
Nudge was offended. "Yeah? Let's see YOU do it."
...
"I vill now eat nine Snickers bars," Gazzy said in a perfect, creepy imitation of ter Borcht's voice, "visout bahfing."
Iggy rubbed his forehead with one hand. "Well, I have a highly developed sense of irony."
Ter Borcht tsked. "You are a liability to your group. I assume you alvays hold on to someone's shirt, yes? Following dem closely?"
"Only when I'm trying to steal their dessert"
...Fang pretended to think, gazing up at the ceiling. "Besides my fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica."
"I vill now destroy de Snickuhs bahrs!" Gazzy barked.

James Patterson


Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.
Good things come to those who wait.

Jess C. Scott


When you're drowning you don't think,
I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.
You just scream.

John Lennon


Best Humour Short Quote
It struck me as pretty ridiculous to be called Mr. Darcy and to stand on your own looking snooty at a party. It's like being called Heathcliff and insisting on spending the entire evening in the garden, shouting "Cathy" and banging your head against a tree.

Helen Fielding


Just because you said dragon demons were extinct—"
"I said mostly extinct."
Alec jabbed a finger toward him.
"Mostly extinct," he said, his voice trembling with rage, "is NOT
EXTINCT ENOUGH."
"I see," said Jace. "I'll just have them change the entry in the demonology textbook from 'almost extinct' to 'not extinct enough for Alec. He prefers his monsters really, really extinct.' Will that make you happy?

Casssandra Clare , City of Ashes


The human body is the best work of art.

Jess C. Scott


Best Humour Short Quote
No intelligent idea can gain general acceptance unless some stupidity is mixed in with it

Fernando Pessoa


Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Elbert Hubbard


You're not very nice," I say, grinning.
"You're one to talk."
"Hey, I could be nice if I tried."
"Hmm." He taps his chin. "Say something nice, then."
"You're very good-looking."
He smiles, his teeth a flash in this dark. "I like this 'nice' thing.

Veronica Roth


If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards!

Pratchett Terry , The Color of Magic


the only way Bex would miss this would be if she were unconscious. And tied up. And in a concrete bunker. In Siberia.

Ally Carter , Don't Judge a Girl by Her Cover


I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!

C. JoyBell C.


Everybody does have a book in them, but in most cases that's where it should stay.

- Christopher Hitchens


Asscrown," I muttered under my breath as I headed to my next class. I wasn't proud of swearing at a complete stranger, no. but he started it.
Noah matched my pace. "Don't you mean 'assclown'?" He looked amused.
"No," I said, louder this time. "I mean asscrown. The crown on top of the asshat that covers the asshole of the assclown. The very zenith in the hierarchy of asses," I said, as though I was reading from a dictionary of modern profanity.
"I guess you nailed me then.

Michelle Hodkin


I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

Aleister Crowley , Moonchild (The Dennis Wheatley Library of the Occult)


FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.

Stephen King


We need to reclaim the word 'feminism'. We need the word 'feminism' back real bad. When statistics come in saying that only 29% of American women would describe themselves as feminist - and only 42% of British women - I used to think, What do you think feminism IS, ladies? What part of 'liberation for women' is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? 'Vogue' by Madonna? Jeans? Did all that good shit GET ON YOUR NERVES? Or were you just DRUNK AT THE TIME OF THE SURVEY?

Caitlin Moran


There's a time and place for everything, and I believe it’s called 'fan fiction'.

Joss Whedon


A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement

Jess C. Scott


Best Humour Short Quote
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Rodney Dangerfield


I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

Woody Allen , Annie Hall: Screenplay


Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.
- T-shirt

Darynda Jones