Humorous Quotes

I might be in love with you." He smiles a little. "I'm waiting until I'm sure to tell you, though.

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.

You might want to lie down," Magnus advised. "I find that it helps when the crushing sense of horrible realization sets in.

Men always want to be a woman’s first love. That is their clumsy vanity. We women have a more subtle instinct about these things. What (women) like is to be a man’s last romance.

Thanks, I muttered and added under my breath, Douchebag.
He laughed, deep and throaty. Now that’s not very ladylike, Kittycat.
I whipped around. Don’t ever call me that, I snapped.
It’s better than calling someone a douchebag, isn’t it? He pushed out the door. This has been a stimulating visit. I’ll cherish it for a long time to come.
Okay. That was it. You know, you’re right. How wrong of me to call you a douchebag. Because a douchebag is too nice of a word for you, I said, smiling sweetly. You’re a dickhead.
A dickhead? he repeated. How charming.
I flipped him off.

I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

I suspect he's sweet on Sophie and doesn't like to see her work too hard.'
Tessa was glad to hear it. She'd felt awful about her reaction to Sophie's scar, and the thought that Sophie had a male admirer - and a handsome one like that- eased her conscience slightly. 'Perhaps he's in love with Agatha', she said.
'I hope not. I intend to marry Agatha myself. She may be a thousand years old, but she makes an incomparable jam tart. Beauty fades, but cooking is eternal.

She decided that if Lucas was gay then she was going to have to get a sex change operation. He would be so worth it.

It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt

He [Iggy] started reaching for things around the table, and his hand landed on Total. You’re black.
I prefer canine-American, said Total.

Breeze strolled over to the table and chose a seat with his characteristic decorum. The portly man raised his dueling cane, pointing it at Ham. 'I see that my period of intellectual respite has come to an end.'
Ham smiled. 'I thought up a couple beastly questions while I was gone, and I've been saving them just for you, Breeze.'
'I'm dying of anticipation,' Breeze said. He turned his cane toward Lestibournes. 'Spook, drink.'
Spook rushed over and fetched Breeze a cup of wine.
'He's such a fine lad,' Breeze noted, accepting the drink. 'I barely even have to nudge him Allomantically. If only the rest of you ruffians were so accommodating.'
Spook frowned. 'Niceing the not on the playing without.'
'I have no idea what you just said, child,' Breeze said. 'So I'm simply going to pretend it was coherent, then move on.'
Kelsier rolled his eyes. 'Losing the stress on the nip,' he said. 'Notting without the needing of care.'
'Riding the rile of the rids to the right,' Spook said with a nod.
'What are you two babbling about?' Breeze said testily.
'Wasing the was of brightness,' Spook said. 'Nip the having of wishing of this.'
'Ever wasing the doing of this,' Kelsier agreed.
'Ever wasing the wish of having the have,' Ham added with a smile. 'Brighting the wish of wasing the not.'
Breeze turned to Dockson with exasperation. 'I believe our companions have finally lost their minds, dear friend.'
Dockson shrugged. Then, with a perfectly straight face, he said, 'Wasing not of wasing is.

Why does everything so bad for you always taste so dreamy?

I like to think I'm helping them by hating them. I'm reminding them that they aren't God's gift to humankind.

I can be a regular bitch. Just try me.

Maybe you'll win when hell freezes over."
He raised an eyebrow.
"That could be easily arranged.

Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.

You’re not going to let her do this, are you? Bones snorted. Let her? Mate, if you think you can control a woman, you must be single—-and a thousand pounds says she beats your arse.

He had a dashing smile. It nearly dashed right off his face.

My dear Reaper," Vlad said, still laughing. 'Did you just check out our-'
'No!' I interrupted at once, almost lunging toward the staircase. 'I'm tired and still dazed from the Remanats and ... fuck it, I'm taking a shower. I mean, not a cold shower, because I don't need that.' -oh Jesus I was only making this worse- 'because I am cold already, and I need to get hot. I mean, warmer. Oh just shut up!' " -Pg 280

Smiling always seems to annoy people more than actually insulting them. Or maybe I just have an annoying smile.

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

Citizen's arrest," he said. "Well, that, and Patch told me to.

Much slower, I turned around to see Vlad examining his fingernails, as if his hands weren't still ablaze in the flames that had blasted the ghoul's head off moments before.
'what the hell was that?' I gasped.
'Premature inflammation,' He replied. 'Happens sometimes. Very embarrassing, I don't like to talk about it.'

I only have so much willpower, Helen," he whispered. "And since you apparently sleep in the most ridiculously transparent tank top I've ever seen, I'm going to have to ask you to get under the covers before I do something stupid.

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.

Dean: If there is a greater power, why is it he can't get you a new sweater?
Jamie: Because, he's too busy looking for your brain.

There's a name for people with an interest in the moon," Alex said. "They're called lunatics.

[how can anyone] be silly enough to think himself better than other people, because his clothes are made of finer woolen thread than theirs. After all, those fine clothes were once worn by a sheep, and they never turned it into anything better than a sheep.

I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.

The better organized the state, the duller its humanity.

Scrawny little mundane bastard.

Bones didn’t share any of my qualms about suddenly holding an arm that wasn’t attached to a body anymore. He just grabbed the ghoul by his other arm and began thumping him over the head with the loose limb. I’d heard Bones threaten to beat someone with their own limb before, but I’d always assumed that was a figure of speech. Apparently not.

I have no clue. I have ovaries; therefore, I repel all things mechanical.

And now leave me in peace for a bit! I don't want to answer a string of questions while I am eating. I want to think!"
"Good Heavens!" said Pippin. "At breakfast?

I tried to explain as much as I could," Poppet says. "I think I made an analogy about cake."
"Well, that must have worked," Widget says. "Who doesn't like a good cake analogy?

I mingle with my peers or no one, and since I have no peers, I mingle with no one.

Why does everything have to be so hard?
[Eragon] wondered.

Because
, said Saphira,
everyone wants to eat, but no one wants to be eaten.

It's easy to remember, because dating rhymes with mating, and they're almost the same [...] So your mom thinks we're ma-- Uh, dating?

In small towns, news travels at the speed of boredom.

Just so you know, I hate camping. I'm not so much appreciating the fact that there's no bathroom out here. 'Nature calls' while walking in nature is on my list of least favorite things. You tigers, and men in general, have it so much easier than us girls.

People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.

Oh, how I regret not having worn a bikini for the entire year I was twenty-six. If anyone young is reading this, go, right this minute, put on a bikini, and don't take it off until you're thirty-four.

I want you back here now. I want you next to me now. I cannot believe that my family, your brother, all our friends, and an entire police force can't keep tabs on one twenty-six year old graphic designer who thinks he's fuckin' Batman.
--Detective Sam Kage in
A Matter Of Time
(vol 2 or part 4)

It was strange and amusing...and, honestly, a bit embarrassing...to realize how much being near Bella had softened me. It seemed like no one was afraid of me any more. If Emmett found out about this, he would be laughing for the next century.

If sex were food, Rhage would haven been morbidly obese.

Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.

Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses.

Didn't know you could measure distance so well with nothing but you bloody eyeballs

He soon acquired the forlorn look that one sees in vegetarians.

There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind.