Quotes [839911]

Humor Quotes

Best Humor Short Quote
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

Albert Einstein

Best Humor Short Quote
So many books, so little time.

Frank Zappa

Best Humor Short Quote
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Mae West

The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.

Austen Jane , Northanger Abbey

Best Humor Short Quote
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx , The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin- Born Standing Up

Best Humor Short Quote
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

Mark Twain

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I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

Adams Douglas

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

Garrison Keillor

Best Humor Short Quote
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Heinlein Robert A.

Best Humor Short Quote
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

Jim Henson

Best Humor Short Quote
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

Best Humor Short Quote
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Groucho Marx

Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.

Jonh Green

Best Humor Short Quote
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

Charles Bukowski

Best Humor Short Quote
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

Pratchett Terry

Best Humor Short Quote
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Benjamin Franklin Wade

Best Humor Short Quote
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

W.C. Fields

Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.

Suzzane Collins , The Hunger Games

Best Humor Short Quote
A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

Austen Jane , Pride and Prejudice

It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Lewis Carrol

Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Charles J. Sykes

Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?"
"Yes," said Harry stiffly.
"Yes, sir."
"There's no need to call me "sir" Professor."
The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.

J.K Rowling , Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Jesus!" Luke exclaimed.
"Actually, it's just me," said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling.

Cassandra Clare

Best Humor Short Quote
Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.

Markus Herz

Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?

Terry Johnson , Insignificance

Best Humor Short Quote
Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

C.E.M. Joad

Best Humor Short Quote
Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.

Lemony Snicket

Best Humor Short Quote
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.

Rita Mae Brown

I don't want to be a man," said Jace. "I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead."
"Well," said Luke, "you're doing a fantastic job.

Casssandra Clare , City of Ashes

Best Humor Short Quote
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.

Pratchett Terry , Jingo

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All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.

Palahniuk Chuck , Invisible Monsters

Best Humor Short Quote
This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.

George V. Higgins

Best Humor Short Quote
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

Adams Douglas

Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.

J.K Rowling , Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?"
"You called her a liar?"
"You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?"
"Have a biscuit, Potter.

J.K Rowling , Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Never memorize something that you can look up.

Albert Einstein

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

Groucho Marx

Best Humor Short Quote
Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.

Pratchett Terry

Best Humor Short Quote
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar Levant

Best Humor Short Quote
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Albert Einstein

Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again.
"So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking...

J.K Rowling , Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Best Humor Short Quote
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Thomas Szasz

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?

Chris Rock

It means 'Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234'.

Cassandra Clare , City of Bones

Best Humor Short Quote
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Mark Twain

Best Humor Short Quote
If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

E.B. White

Best Humor Short Quote
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can."
Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?"
Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?"
"Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries."
Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom."
I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. "I do not understand."
"I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said.
"And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam t-shirt.

Rick Riordan , The Titan's Curse

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

George Carlin