Quotes [839911]

Funny Quotes

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?

Chris Rock

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

Suzzane Collins , Mockingjay

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

George Carlin

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Mark Twain

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

Ellen DeGeneres

What the hell is that?" I laughed.
"It's my fox hat."
"Your fox hat?"
"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."
"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.
"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.

Jonh Green , Looking for Alaska

It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

Marilyn Monroe

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

Lemony Snicket , Horseradish

They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

Jonh Green , Looking for Alaska

Best Funny Short Quote
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

Cathy Guiswite

Best Funny Short Quote
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Jerry Seinfeld

Best Funny Short Quote
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

George Carlin

I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me."
"It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.

Cassandra Clare , City of Ashes

I'm going to wake Peeta," I say.
"No, wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right in front of his."
Well, there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake up," I say in a soft, singsong voice.
His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. "Aa!"
Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.

Suzzane Collins , Catching Fire

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

Bill Cosby

I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox.
And there's one more - that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,
It might be the instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke.
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in.
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My toes are cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There's a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...
What? What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .............. Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!

Shel Silverstein

Did you see that dress? "I saw the dress. "Did you like it? He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance? When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school. I smiled and fell asleep.

Richelle Mead , Vampire Academy

Headline?" he asked.
"'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said.
"'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said.
"'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.

John Green , The Fault in Our Stars

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Um...is that thing
?" Frank said.
The horse whinnied angrily.
"I don't think so," Percy guessed. "He just said,
'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'.

Rick Riordan

I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?

Stephanie Lennox

Best Funny Short Quote
Um...is that thing tame?" Frank said.
The horse whinnied angrily.
"I don't think so," Percy guessed. "He just said, 'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'.

Rick Riordan

Can you surf really well, then?"
I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.
"Jeez, Nico," I said. "I've never really tried."
He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)

Rick Riordan

Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane

Rachel Caine , Glass Houses

Can you be a girl for a few seconds?"
"I'm always a girl" I frown.
"You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl"
I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay.

katniss everdeen

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

Gena Showalter

But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.

J.K Rowling , Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Best Funny Short Quote
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Rodney Dangerfield

She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it..

Masashi Kishimoto , Naruto, Vol. 47: The Seal Destroyed

Puns are the highest form of literature.

Alfred Hitchcock

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"
All the time.

Wendy Mass , Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life

Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!

J.K Rowling , Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Do you want a cookie?
- What?
- A cookie. Like an Oreo. Do you want one?
- No.
- How can you not want a cookie?
- I just don't.
- Okay, fine,let's say you did want a cookie. Let's say you were dying for a cookie, and there were cookies in the cupboard. What would you do?
- I'd eat a cookie?
- Exactly. That's all I'm saying.
- What are you saying?
- That if people want cookies, they should get a cookie. It's what people do.
- Let me guess. Dad won't let you have a
- No. Even though I'm practically starving to death, he won't even consider it. He says I have to have a sandwich first.
- And you don't think that's fair.
- You just said you'd get a cookie if you wanted one. So why can't I? I'm not a little kid. I can make my own decisions.
- Hmm. I can see why this bothers you so
- It's not fair. If he wants a cookie, he can have one. If you want a cookie,
you can have one. But if I want a cookie, the rules don't count. Like you
said, it's not fair.
- So what are you going to do?
- I'm going to eat a sandwich. Because I have to. Because the world isn't fair
to ten-year-olds.

Nicholas Sparks , The Last Song

He pointed to himself. "Male and eighteen. What's your point?

Rachel Caine , Midnight Alley

What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.

Gena Showalter , Oh My Goth

I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.

Lauren Myracle (Let It Snow)

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

Robert Benchley

Don't gobblefunk around with words.

Roald Dahl , The BFG

Best Funny Short Quote
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Isaac Asimov

Best Funny Short Quote
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

William Goldman , The Princess Bride

aren't you, uh... reproducing?
"sure, we love reproducing it's one of our favorite things.

Cassandra Clare , City of Bones

Why it's simply impassible!
Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?
Door: No, I do mean impassible.
Nothing's impossible!

Lewis Carrol , Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.
1. You're wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where's the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You're going to order that? Seriously?
10. You're how old?

Gena Showalter , Animal Instincts

Best Funny Short Quote
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Rodney Dangerfield

You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!

James Dashner , The Maze Runner

Can I come in?
No! I'm in a towel!
I'm blind!

James Patterson

Best Funny Short Quote
A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned

Benjamin Franklin

This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.

Charles M. Schulz