Dark humor Quotes


Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.


Résumé
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.

Enough Rope

Dorothy Parker or Irma Rombauer

Enough Rope

I envy people that know love. That have someone who takes them as they are.

What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?

I've committed to nothing...and that's just suicide...by tiny, tiny increments.

High Fidelity

Nick Hornby

High Fidelity

I was very strict on that point. No devouring classmates." Jeremy rolled his eyes. "Other parents warn their kids not to talk to strangers. I had to warn mine not to eat them.

Stolen

Kelley Armstrong

Stolen

Relationships are ropes. Love is a noose. - Durzo Blint

People are sheep. TV is the shepherd.

I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.

Man makes plans . . . and God laughs.

I am not shy about admitting my modest talents. For example, I am happy to admit that I am better than average at clever remarks, and I also have a flair for getting people to like me. But to be perfectly fair to myself, I am ever-ready to confess my shortcomings, too, and a quick round of soul-searching forced me to admit that I had never been any good at all at breathing water. As I hung there from the seat belt, dazed and watching the water pour in and swirl around my head, this began to seem like a very large character flaw.

Dearly Devoted Dexter

Jeff Lindsay Dexter in the Dark

Dearly Devoted Dexter
Blood    Dark humor    Dexter    Smart    Witty

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged

Reaper Man

Terry Pratchett

Reaper Man

A man’s greatest treasures are his illusions - Durzo Blint

One hand was behind his back, and he held it out, presenting a bouquet of white and smoky purple lilies.
They’re straight from the underworld, by the way. They are everlasting. They won’t die.

The rest of us can find happiness in misery.

When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn't ruin your whole day.

A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.

You may be married to a star, but that doesn't mean they'll treat you like one.

The right hand doesn’t know what the left is doing is a phrase that refers to times when people ought to know, but don’t know, about something that is happening very close to them. For instance, you ought to know about the man who watches you when you sleep.

Something bad was about to happen. My wife was being clever again.

It doesn’t matter what other people think when you’re right - John Cleaver

He took a long draw then asked, What’d I do?
You knew about the guy threatening my dad?
He paused, shifted in his chair, so freaking busted, it wasn’t funny. They told you?
Why, no, Swopes, they didn’t. Instead, they waited until the guy knocked the fuck out of my dad and readied him for spaceflight with duct tape then tried to kill me with a butcher’s knife.

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)

Dark humor    Death    Devil    Funeral    Funny    Hell    Humor    Humour    Margaret thatcher    Politics    Scotland

I wonder if I could eat a child if I had the chance.'
'I doubt if I could cook one,' said Constance.

Bomb', Reyes said, not bothering to look up.
'One of ours?' Maddox insisted...
'Hardly. I know better than to blow myself up,' Reyes sighed.

The Darkest Night

Gena Showalter

The Darkest Night

Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.

Please, please be some sex-starved nutcase who wants to kidnap me and make me your love slave, I begged silently.

You have the effrontery to be squeamish, it thought at him. But we were dragons. We were supposed to be cruel, cunning, heartless and terrible. But this much I can tell you, you ape – the great face pressed even closer, so that Wonse was staring into the pitiless depths of his eyes – we never burned and tortured and ripped one another apart and called it morality.

Guards! Guards!

Terry Pratchett

Guards! Guards!

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Your Majesty, Durzo said gravely. A man of your stature’s cursing vocabulary ought to extend beyond a tedious reiteration of the excreta that fills the void between his ears. - Durzo Blint

There is no suggestion box in the Psych Ward.

A difference in self loathing? Please. The only difference between a gun and a rope is the time it takes to tie the knot.

Sow a thought and reap an action, sow an action and reap a habit, sow a habit and reap a destiny - John Cleaver

Life is like coffee, the darker it gets, the more it energizes.

The general plot of life is sometimes shaped by the different ways genuine intelligence combines with equally genuine ignorance.

While art thrives on the blazing colours of scandal, literature blossoms on the dark soil of tragedy.

All I did was offer to kill your dog, and the next thing I know I’m being judged.

Thomas had a depressing - and scary - thought. 'Am I . . . replacing someone? Did somebody get killed?'
Minho shook his head. 'No, we're just training you - someone'll want a break. Don't worry, it's been a while since a Runner was killed.'
For some reason that last statement worried Thomas, though he hoped it didn't show on his face.

The Maze Runner

James Dashner

The Maze Runner

Life's a grave dig it.

Let me make sure I have this straight. The cavalry just now rode into town and it's a Czech Gypsy porn-star zombie killer. Have I got that right?

Assassination is an art, milord, and I am the city’s most accomplished artist - Durzo Blint

It's better to be loved than feared, but if you can't be loved, then fear will do.-Dino quoting Machiavelli

Dark humor    Fear    Love

My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.

Dark humor    Funny    Humor    Humour    Metallica

Stridey-Man' asked, Want 2 vacay w/me?
William snorted as he typed. Romantic getaway for 2? UR not my type, dickwad.
Fuck U. i'm everybody's types. So U in or out?Last chance in or out?
In
Knew U couldn't resist me. B ready in 5.
Right on. Make it 10. I want 2 style my hair for U. U know, just how U like it.
ASSHOLE.

There was nothing worse, Veppers thought, than a loser who’d made it. It was just part of the way things worked – part of the complexity of life, he supposed – that sometimes somebody who absolutely deserved nothing more than to be one of the down-trodden, the oppressed, the dregs of society, lucked out into a position of wealth, power and admiration.
At least people who were natural winners knew how to carry themselves in their pomp, whether their ascendancy had come through the luck of being born rich and powerful or the luck of being born ambitious and capable. Losers who’d made it always let the side down. Veppers was all for arrogance – he possessed the quality in full measure himself, as he’d often been informed – but it had to be deserved, you had to have worked for it. Or at the very least, an ancestor had to have worked for it.
Arrogance without cause, arrogance without achievement – or that mistook sheer luck for true achievement – was an abomination. Losers made everybody look bad. Worse, they made the whole thing – the great game that was life – appear arbitrary, almost meaningless. Their only use, Veppers had long since decided, was as examples to be held up to those who complained about their lack of status or money or control over their lives: look, if this idiot can achieve something, so can anybody, so can you. So stop whining about being exploited and work harder.
Still, at least individual losers were quite obviously statistical freaks. You could allow for that, you could tolerate that, albeit with gritted teeth. What he would not have believed was that you could find an entire society – an entire civilization– of losers who’d made it.

It took me a moment. I blinked, and suddenly it swam into focus and I had to frown very hard to keep myself from giggling out loud like the schoolgirl Deb had accused me of being.
Because he had arranged the arms and legs in letters, and the letters spelled out a single small word: BOO.
The three torsos were carefully arranged below the BOO in a quarter-circle, making a cute little Halloween smile.
What a scamp.

El oscuro pasajero

Jeff Lindsay Dexter in the Dark

El oscuro pasajero

Everything's just fucking
Disney
with you.

Dark    Dark humor    Disney    Naivete    Random    Sarcasm

I'll just do a round around of the house and make sure the rest of the family are fast asleep. We don't want that sharp-nosed aunt of yours catching us when we find the diamonds." "What diamonds?" "Think positive for once...Which would you rather, diamonds or the remains of a murdered maidservant? It's all a question of attitude.

A million dollars? A bit much don't you think?"
"Fuck you."
Caleb smiled, the self indulgent little shit. "My apologies," he mocked with a slight forward bow, "What I meant to say is: no pussy's that good. Though yours does come close.

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